Out of Character

Just two friends, sharing, laughing and remembering...Good Times!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

WHITE TRASH FLEA BAG....

What I am about to say can NEVER leave this room. **looks around for eves-droppers** MY GRANDMA HAS FLEAS... **looks embarrassed** AND I'M MAD AS HELL. How did this happen. I feel like we are instant WHITE TRASH FLEA BAGS!

My grandma is ...more than eccentric ...she's downright ODD. God love'er ...and I LOVE HER! She's mean and old and cranky and crabby and I talk to her every morning at 630 -religiously, without fail. EVEN WHEN I'M RUNNING LATE. The best memories of my childhood always involve her. I LOVE HER! But her house ...oh gawsh ..needs to be condemned. And she will not let you touch anything, fix anything or clean up ANYTHING. She's a pack rat, saves EVERYTHING ...including every daily paper from 1972 to today. Heres where the story gets interesting.

Yesterday my grandma had surgery on her eyes. I wasn't able to go, but called my sister to check and make sure everything was going ok. This is when **sister** tells me that gran is sitting in the Dr. office with fleas all over her and the children are flipping out over the fleas, my dad is sitting in a chair (IN THE OFFICE) SNORING! And my sister is melting in her chair dying to be invisible ...As she dutifully picks fleas off of my grandmothers face. She said "I felt like a monkey picking fleas off my monkey-ma".

So, as you can imagine, I sat at my desk fuming ...just mad as hell ...all afternoon. By 430 I WAS LIVID! Her house has to be cleaned and fleas exterminated. After work, I drove to the store. Took hold of the cart with sheer determination, walked thru the store with a vengence, placing the following items in my cart:

gasoline container
box of matches
bleach
garbage bags
AND 18 FLEA BOMBS

They surely reported me for suspicious behavior.

So I drive to grans ..just happen to have some boxers and tank top in the car -change out of my work clothes into WORK clothes ..mind you -I have no tennis shoes so I'm still wearing my heels from work to WORK in ...and ..just snap. All of those emotions ..anger, hate, hurt, embarrasement, love (for her), loath (for dad because he WON'T DO ANYTHING) ...It all came out. I'm standing there in boxers, a tank and high heels ..tears streaming down my face, anger in my heart, fleas biting my legs and matches in hand. Things are really out of control.

I was throwing newspapers from 20 years ago into a fiery pit of hell. Here's where the gasoline comes into play. ...I've never actually USED gasoline as firestarter ..but I HAVE seen it done. Try pouring a tank of gasoline on papers already burning while standing on uneven creek rock in 3" heels. KA-BOOM! That stuff can knock you off your rocker! -or just rocks in my case. I nearly bbq'd my whole being!! I'm already MAD AS HELL ...and now I'm really mad. I'm cussing ..just fuming!! Tossing and Burning ..fighting the fleas off with every step. Throwing my hands up in the air and shaking my fists ..yelling out loud to no one. I'm sure it was commical.

When I was done I was covered in bites and fleas and I'm sure the babies will hatch in a couple of days ..there was no way I was getting in my truck and I couldnt go in the house (I'd set off 18 flea bombs) ...so I strip down stark naked in the backyard and commence to washing myself down with the water hose. I scrub and cuss and scrub and cuss some more and try to scrub enough to wash off the mad and cuss enough that the hate leaves my heart... I am a white trash flea bag...

9 Comments:

  • At 1:03 PM, Blogger Rainbow-Bright said…

    Awe...I'm so sorry! I know that was hard and I'm sure the battle with your dad even worse! Don't worry, I'll have the 'tini's ready tonight and you can tell me all about it.

     
  • At 1:04 PM, Blogger Rainbow-Bright said…

    ...and why am I suddenly itching like CRAZY???

     
  • At 2:02 PM, Blogger Strawberrie-Shortcake said…

    THATS RIVER SCRATCH GIRL!

     
  • At 6:59 PM, Blogger Kirsti said…

    Martini? Asti? Spunante?

    And I can come when? I'll bring rum.

    And extra lime. there is always use for more lime.

     
  • At 7:51 AM, Blogger Strawberrie-Shortcake said…

    Kirsti's always welcome! Girl we need to get you down here in KY!!

     
  • At 10:37 AM, Blogger Rainbow-Bright said…

    The lime is KEY Kristi, so please bring extra! We always seem to forget the lime!

     
  • At 7:01 PM, Blogger Kirsti said…

    I always have lime! And lemons! OH! And I will bring strawberries also and there will be daquiris. Som of you need to get that fancy stuff. that controuiecxzndfglar thing. I never found out what it is but it goes in almost every cocktail on god's green earth

     
  • At 10:05 AM, Blogger Strawberrie-Shortcake said…

    **looks confused** never heard of controuiecxzndfglar thing before???

     
  • At 10:07 AM, Blogger John Q. Public esq. said…

    First sound kind of like a noraml day on the job for me

    second, the thought of you naked, mad and a garden hose...my that took my breath away

     

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