Out of Character

Just two friends, sharing, laughing and remembering...Good Times!

Friday, May 20, 2005

When can I exhale?

Yeah...I know it has been like forever and a year since I posted anything. Well, except the dialog between SS and I but really, that didn't take much time and I feel that I have abandoned all of my blog buddies and surely that was not my intent. Things have been moving at a much faster pace than I would like and I am one that likes to go, go, go all the time. Something just have to give or else I'm gonna have a major melt-down.

First, I haven't even reported back about my job interview...I did accept the position. True it is $500 a year less than I am making now but losing the stress and responsibility alone is worth that. Figure in the gas savings from taking my daily miles down to 5 as opposed to 40...the extra week vacation, extra sick leave AND that the job that I really want will be open in less than two years...and the $500 is nuthin'! So, I am trying to find my replacement here, finish the budget, clean my office, and take care of daily problems that I am so glad to leave behind. I will be sad my last day here, I really care about this place and what happens to it...I just need to move on and hopefully up to bigger and better things.

Last weekend, SS and I participated in the annual Relay for Life in our county and I am happy to report that our site alone raised over $85,000! WhoooHooo!!! While doing activities for that event totally stresses me out (and put 300 zits on my face) I think it is an awesome cause and I am proud to be invloved. The fact that I only got 4 hours sleep in a 24 hour period didn't help the zits either but I'm happy to report that thanks to my de-stressing day off shopping with a good friend yesterday, I'm all clear! Oh and have cute, cute clothes too!

This weekend, is my 10 year (eeek....I'm old) wedding anniversary. Gosh, how has he put up with me that long? It hasn't been easy I know but I look forward to a fun weekend...getting gifts...and GREAT anniv. SEX! ;) SS has agreed to keep the kids and that is wonderful because I plan on getting my groove on late into the night at a club...then in the bed. If you don't know...loud sex is forbidden when you have kiddos in the house and I miss that. What would I do without Strawberrie to help me out with my sex life???

With all that has gone on and will go on...posting will be very scarce. It's probably not a good idea to take a break from training my replacement next week to blog...then I'll be on vacation for a week. Can I get a "HELL YEAH"??? I am so looking forward to that and celebrating my baby girl's second birthday. Then I will start my new job...wish me luck guys...and that the new place doesn't interfere with my blogging or chatting. I know how some places of employement frown upon it and all. ;)

Have a great weekend everyone! Be safe and have lots of great sex!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Ring Around The...

Just 15 minutes ago I was struck with the fact that I may, quite possibly, have ring worm. RING WORM PEOPLE! ...How do these things keep happening to me?? While visiting the powder room (not for powdering;) I noticed 2 distinct circles on my leg ...I thought ... "ring worm" ...What else could it be? So ...this is just great ...I'm sleeping with my ex-bf and, apparently with my ex-hubby too (see previous post) ...and now I have RING WORM! Can I suck anymore? (hee hee hee ...funny you should ask;)

I AM DEVASTATED! ..Ring worms are ...sort of dirty, aren't they? So ...I cry and pout around in the bathroom as I am "re-clothing" and I reach down to "feel" the spot (NO! ..not that spot) ..the circles ...just to see how far my dirty disease has spread (like ...you know, are they raised?) and that's when I found them. 2 QUARTERS! YEAH! WOOHOO! I'm not a dirty girl after all! The quarters in my pocket had just caused some "little" indentions on my leg ...So now, I'm not dirty ...just a hypochondriac ...and that is waaaaay better;)

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

THE S*** HAS HIT THE FAN!

When the s*** hits the fan ...it disperses well. ...At least it does in my world. I've come to the conclusion that I over-behave and over-react to every stressful situation I get in ...it's true ...I AM A DRAMA QUEEN.

As most of you know ...the rockstar and I are "officially over" ...for the 10th time this week -...minus the 3 nights I've spent at his house ...so that's like a 7 (which is also my lucky number ...maybe this one will stick!)

But here's what I have gone and done now ...and I am not proud **picture strawberrie with head held in shame as I type this post ...it's pathetic**

...I really enjoy sex ....really really really like it. I have sex at least once a day ...even if it is just with myself. My problem is ...it's just been me since I left the rockstar. I'm not about a bunch of booty cooties ...so I stick to what I know;) On Monday I decided to pay the rockstar a visit ..IT WAS DEFINITELY TIME ...I wanted sex but I wanted it to be on my terms ...and I definitely didn't want him thinking he was my only option (although he is right now) ...So I was being a little demanding (sexually) and I think he was maybe a little intimidated (as that is his usual position) ...so we fought for control and I ended up smarting off with "..if this is too much trouble I can go somewhere else" ...and proceeded to call ex-hubby (from rockstars phone, with rockstar on line) I think he was caught a little off guard and perplexed when I asked to come over ...turns out he wasn't home but as suspected invited me over the following night ...Just as I had wanted ...for rockstar to see I HAD OPTIONS. ...I ended up staying with rockstar and having the most awesome "animalistic" sex ever that night.

Here's where I screw up (again) ...Ex-hubby, I imagine, was anxiously awaitting a booty call on Tuesday ...I feel real bad about what I've done ...so I call and leave a message on his voice mail about how I had been drinking a little wine and got into a little tiff (i use little alot when talking about myself, it helps to minimalize the enormous disasters I cause in the world) with the rockstar and wanted to make rockstar jealous ..so decided I should have re-bound sex and, at the time, thought I'd just do it with him ...I explained, via voicemail, that I did not want anything from him and no longer desired the "rebound sex" i had mentioned last night. I concluded with ... that would not be healthy and not what either of us need. ...So, to make this long story short, his girlfriend (whom, according to him, had just recently broken up with him and kicked him out of the house) calls me back and tells me she heard everything. She now blames ME for their breakup and said I have always wanted him and believes I have been sleeping with him for the past 2 years.

...and the tables have turned as she is saying all the things to me that I said to Miss Tish (the rockstars ex-gf last week ...ALTHOUGH SHE HAS, ADMITTEDLY, RODE THE BOLONY PONY;)

One phone call has really really devastated an innocent girl. I feel super bad. Can I make this life much harder?

***************
On a side note ...a member of my wedding party (to ex-hubby #2) was arrested this morning at his meth lab. WTF? What kind of people am I hanging around with anyway? Very shocking..
***************

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

IF THE POD IS ROCKIN...

Saturday is my 13 y.o. daughters birthday. I'm having this personalized:

http://www.apple.com/ipodmini/

Does anyone have any "music quotes" that would be cool enough for my little rockstar?

Friday, May 13, 2005

Ain't Skeerd!

Somebody hide me QUICK! Do you know what today is? Today is FREAKY FRIDAY! FRIDAY THE 13TH! Why did you people not warn me! Do you remember the last Friday 13th we had here? OH ...Good Lawd ...I could'a called in sick...

Let me explain... I work with 3 boys. 3 rotton boys and one girl that "just tries to fit in". When I initially started here they had to explain a couple of "traditions" ...One of them being "FREAKY FRIDAY". ...You see everytime Friday falls on the 13th our lunch break is spent in White Castles racing down "13" white castles. (Can it get any scarier?) The winner is then "officially named" King/Queen of the Castle. This is ...a nauseating experience. Honestly, it was fun ...THE FIRST TIME (see pic) ...However, that was a once in a lifetime deal ...you know ...when our relationship was new and I was trying to "impress the boys" ...I'm not sure I'm up for it today ...around about the 9th one they all start to taste like napkins soaked in bad grease ...and the consistency is equally as bad ..because at that point the salt has soaked up every drop of moisture in your mouth.

In honor of tradition I am "obligated" to participate. Whats our strategy men? Come on -PUMP ME UP!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

A Moral Issue...

My love life (or lack of love) is really bringing the morale down around this place (or morals, hee hee hee ...one or the other!) So I'm switching gears and getting all fired up for a fabulous weekend!

Tomorrow, Rainbow Bright and I, will be volunteering (slaving) for yet another (all night) RELAY FOR LIFE!! Whoohoo! It's a great big party around our parts (mostly cause we make it that way!) and the proceeds go to help fund research and resources for cancer patients. So you get to have a blast and feel good about yourself the next morning! (how often does that happen??!)

Saturday ...I hope to wake up to a scourching hot hot day ...and I'm going to finish my sleep cycle by the pool with a glass of "the wine of the day" ...which I'm figuring to be a soft red (just the mood i'm in!) ...but watch out ..cause saturday night I'm strapping on the boogie shoes (or whatever else Rainbow likes;)

It should surely prove to be a fun, event filled weekend ..will let you know how it turns out on Monday. Until then ...don't do anything I would do;)

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

LIVE AND LOVE

Good Morning Blog Ho's;) Since I have been sharing my "faltering" relationship with all of you. I wanted to post some more emails from/to the rockstar this morn. A little lengthy, but so far this relationship has failed miserably ..so I am looking for a little input;)

To Jason on Monday,

I need a favor ...and I hate to ask you to do this. ...But when you get home, will you take **daughters** things out to her at **friends** house. Her suitcase is so big and I didn't want her to have to take it with her to school today (she's staying with friend until school is out at end of month). I know it's a long ride out ..but she needs it ..and she needs to see you. She is really struggling with this J ...she has made you her dad in her mind and now she she thinks you don't love her anymore. Will you please show her otherwise. I know it's hard, ...it's hard on everyone. But she loves you and needs you too.

I think she has tennis practice after school. If they are not there you can just leave it outside.

I love you big boy. I don't know where we went wrong ...but it's a huge mistake on both our parts.



To Jason on Tuesday,

I appreciate you taking care of coco yesterday. ...and I appreciate your dinner offer. However, there are some issues that we need to talk about. You say we should start over, but I see us continuing on the same road ...I sent you 2 emails last week and you never responded ...and I think a response was in order.

I would like for you to really take a minute and put yourself in my shoes. If I had come home and immediately jumped into bed with someone ..how would that have made you feel?

You see, it's a little different to you because it was you and tish. If I had done the exact same thing I would have been a whore and you would have said:

a. I had been cheating on you the whole time
b. That was planned
c. He was why I left

I'm really struggling with this. I hear your invitation, but don't know how to accept. I can't be a fall back plan to you ...and you won't always keep me this close ...we are OR we aren't.

What do you want for your life? Who's going to wipe your tears?

From Jason Today:

hello, I don't get on here every night so there may be a time lapse between letters. Some days are longer than others for me. I have thought about it and put myself in your shoes. I am not too sure that those the exact responses that I would have had. But I will admit that I would have tryed to make excuses for your behavior. In this particular case, it was just what I said it was........I paniced and ran....I was overwhelmed. I am sorry though I now see that it was not what I needed to do and it hurt you......which I did not want to do. We were somewhat deceitful to one another. You projected a certain type fo feeling toward me, like one that you were completely done and happy that it was over, and you were then able to carry on with your life. and I reacted to it with a somber answer, when really I was devistated and went to the first shelter I could find. I am sorry. I would like it if you came over and visited though.. you can do your laundry. I miss you. I think that the girls had fun. We watched Finding Neverland, with Johnny Depp. You would like it. Call me or something if you want. love J


My response to Jason:

I am sorry if I ever conveyed that message. Like you, I too, am finding ways to cope. Mine happens to be withdrawing from the situation completely, because to think about it is "devastating".

Jason I am begging you to take a pro-active role in our relationship. Don't be so passive, there are things that need to be done daily for a relationship to succeed. We have some time invested in this and ...I would like to see things work. ...but, they don't just happen on their own. I have said it before, love is not a feeling ...love is a decision and a commitment that you choose everyday. How committed are you to me? I assure you that I am just as committed as the day I moved to Indiana and, still, very much in love with you. I want to share my life with you and I can not promise you that I can keep all the troubles and trials out of our relationship ...but I will be there to go thru them with you and ...wipe your tears.

Jason, tell me what I do that conveys "love" to you. I always thought that you knew how much, but I have decided you and I have very different thought processes. What can I do to show you I care? For example, although you can not understand my reasons, when you take care of the house that conveys love to me. When you do not, I feel like I am not important and ...unloved. The house is an extension of the woman and, with you, I do not feel that extension is "secure" ...How can we build an intimate loving relationship, that we both desire, on shaky foundation? I am not asking you to understand this, ...just validate it. If I feel it ...IT IS.

What makes you feel loved?

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Sodamites?

Moving into my new house has had some "interesting" twists. It's rental prop and the couple that lived there before me moved out rather quickly. So ...I have been cleaning up the debris and peicing together their rocky road bit by bit. When I moved in I was given a brief history of the young couple. Although both practicing to be ministers, I think maybe we were all assuming something a little different.

Last week I was snooping OOPS! I mean cleaning out the mailbox. I waitted 2 weeks for them to stop by and get their mail or have the addy changed ...when they didn't I assumed it was "open game" ...and yes, JQP, I am aware that is a felony;) ...Now lets see what these strange folks have been up to. There was a tremendous amount of junk mail and information on stem cells ...I'm pretty sure, by the looks of the bathroom, they were trying to clone something. Then there was a letter from Walmart. Apparently this Christian couple saw nothing wrong with "coveting" Walmarts goods (..after all, they weren't walmarts neighbor). The old song "take it on the run" comes to mind ...as they are long gone and I'm pretty sure walmart will never receive the $$ for the $200 "theft fine".

If I were them I would have stolen this list ...because there is NO WAY I could have went thru the line with all this:

1. Suppositories $1.28
2. Castor Oil $1.97
3. Equate Lax $2.94
4. Petrol Jelly $ .96
5. Min Maid $1.18

**I Found this receipt under a box of condoms left in the upstairs bathroom**

Friday, May 06, 2005

WTF?

As most of you know ...the rockstar and I have parted ways. ...A mutual decision with hopes that we would one day find a way to be together again. If you've been reading you are aware that I moved out on Sat. ...and his ex gf helped to "comfort" him on Sunday. I would like to post a few emails being sent and someone please tell me ...am I over-behaving again and treating him
unfairly?

I said:


Date: Thu, 5 May 2005 12:53:38 -0700 (PDT)
From: Strawberrie Shortcake
To: codking54

you can not begin
to comprehend
what you have done
to me... us.

He said:

Codking54
Date: Thu, 5 May 2005 18:39:42 EDT

Well ok your right. but i haven't stopped loving you. and i miss you. please don't let one of my personal mistakes, while we were apart, stop us from loving each other when we are together. I am sorry that you were hurt. I was trying to help me not hurt you. if you don't wanna talk to me again, I understand. yet, if you wanna call you can. I hope that you do....i will be waiting for it this time. loving you right now j

I said:


Date:
Fri, 6 May 2005 05:04:00 -0700 (PDT)
From: Strawberrie Shortcake
Subject:
Re:
To: Codking54

Don't be so self-centered. This was not just "a personal mistake" ...you have involved 4 other people in your "personal mistake" ...I will suffer, as well as "my daughter", tish (the ex) and tim (her fiance'). ...So don't think for a second it is a "personal mistake" ...you are taking a boat load of people down with you.

Furthermore, I would not classify us as "apart" ...I was trying to be an adult and neutralize a situation that had gotton out of control ...but you are always in my heart and on my mind.

And, how could you possibly think that making love to another woman was "keeping you from hurting me" ...you have a very disturbing thought process.

I highly doubt you will be "waitting" for me. I've seen how long you can "wait" ...wasn't impressed.

You have hurt me J. I never ever thought something like this was possible out of you. I feel like I don't know you at all. I'm disappointed.

and I said this:

What is realize is this-

I always thought that I was the "weak" one in our relationship ...but that's just not true. You belittled me and made me feel like I was less than you ...and I am not. You are unsure of yourself and can not be alone ...You need someone, anyone, to validate you. I am no more special than any girl has ever been in your life -and they, no more special than I ...You need someone to "comfort" you and any arms will do. To me, that is pathetic ...and sad.

You have preached about honesty since this relationship started ...however, you are still not being completely honest with me ...until you can bare your soul and tell me every last little detail ...I can not trust you.

Tish was not something that "just happened" ...thoughts of her have weighed us down for a long time ...and that's one of the main reasons I live here now. Thanks for bringing in into light for me. Had you not been so blantantly obvious I would have never imagined it...

You just don't get it Jason. You can not see "the big picture" ...you just roam around the concession stand and never get the full effect of the theater ...it's massive and powerful. What we have is great ...but it barely skims the surface. The sequel is awesome ...but it takes time and effort to get there. You have to figure out what you want in life and commit to it. I invested everything I had left in you... You were my forever ...I feel violated and betrayed by you ...like all that, everything we've done to be together was in vain ...and in the end ...a lie. When you love someone jason ...When you are really in love with someone ...You can't do what you've done. ...the thought of another mans hands on me makes me ill ...I know it would make me physically sick to have sex with anyone but you ...and you found it in you to do it the day after I left ...that, to me, shows your true character.

Someone please tell me ...do you just walk away? and if so, how?

Thursday, May 05, 2005

IT HURTS...

As you all know ...yesterday was my big mommy/daughter date. ...Being away from each other through this move is really "trying" for both of us. I nearly cried when I finally got to hug her yesterday. We loaded up in the truck and went to the movies to see "coach carter" (awesome movie!) ...It lasted a little longer than I thought and we still had to eat supper. By the time our date had ended it was too late to stay the night where we had originally planned so ...we opted to "go see daddy" ...Maybe this wasn't the smartest move on my part, but we called in advance to make sure it was ok. ...although he was at a friends house playing cards he told us we were welcome and he would love to have us stay the night.

The house has really changed in the few short days we've been gone ...back to it's original "bachelor pad" ...complete with plenty of beer, love notes from girl(s) along with their special packages for him full of lotions and massagers ...I was, naturally, devestated to find in the 4 days I'd been gone my rockstar had already slept with 3 girls (one ex-gf and a threesome) ...in 4 days. ...How does this happen ...how do you do it that quick. I'm at a true loss for words today...

He tried to "redeem" himself and tell me that he just needed someone to comfort him ...to make it ok. YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT COMFORT? I've been alone in a house for 4 days, crying and drinking myself to sleep every night wondering how I will ever get over him and missing my daughter so bad it makes me physically sick. ...but I haven't called ANYONE for "comfort".

I know it seems bizarre that I am this devastated ...it does to me even. I am the one that left, ...but I left with every hope that we would someday find a way to be together.

I feel ...violated ...like I have no idea who he was or what his thoughts or feelings were towards our relationship ...because I can tell you ...it will be a long time (at least a week!) before I feel like "going out" with someone. I have never "distrusted" him or could even fathom this was in him ...It's unlike any message he's conveyed to me. This hurts ...deep down inside hurts.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

HOWDY YA'LL!

It's good to be back in the Bluegrass!

UPDATE: Sat. morn I woke up at the butt crack of dawn to load my big orange uhaul and hi-tail it back home. Although I had help loading, I had the priviledge of driving this thing. I'm sure it looked pretty commical ...as I could barely reach the pedals;) I drove back country roads for 2 hours trying to make my way back into KY ...by the time I got there I had quite a few red faced, road rage, pissed off people that were behind me the whole time! Who'd have thought so many people would take the same path I had ...seems like the least likely option ...as my path is generally the beat up rocky one that needs some serious clearing!

Not too much excitement (sadly) to report. I've been "hold up" in the house on the hill. Just trying to get things in order and perform a "one woman extreme home makeover" ...this house is seriously lost in the 80's! So far I've been "scoreing" a 3 foot section of wall for 4 days and have removed 3 strips of wallpaper ...hmmm ...this may take longer than i thought;)

It's been hard to adjust ...teenage daughter is trying to complete last month of school in Indiana ...so I only spend Wed. night with her through the week (THAT'S TONIGHT!!!) and she will spend the weekends with me in the new house. I didn't realize how much I like having her around ...I just take it for granted that she's always there and I need it to be that way. ...We will celebrate "just being together" by taking a break from life this weekend and heading to the river for a mini-vacate! ...but for now, I miss my girl.

**Don't forget this weekend is mothers day**
What are you getting? Giving?

p.s. HAPPY HUMP DAY!