Out of Character

Just two friends, sharing, laughing and remembering...Good Times!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

This ones out of the park...

So. To Catch Everyone up. I'm posting a couple of emails to/from Hot Cop ((yes.. you heard right Hot COP! hee hee hee) Tell me ...what do you think??

FRom Him:


Ok, so I just finished reading the many blogs of Strawberry Shortcake and all i can say is ... WOW. It was like a little slice of your life, I feel like I'm kinda cheating you without having something similar for you to peruse at your convenience. Um, you had me laughing my azz off for the most part, and not to sound like a silly sally but some of things you went through in the last few years had me a little misty eyed, it's ok to admit it it doesn't mean I'm a girl, and if anyone thinks it does let me at em I;ll knock em on their arse. Just joking its ok for guys to have feelings too,my mama said so ). All right Sassy McFeisty, yeah you, you've had me stumbling around like an imbecile with this stupid grin ( which I still won't admit that I smile when other people aren't around, nope I won't you can't make me) for a couple of days now, and as much as I hate to admit it, I like it. I really don't think it's just the nostalgia of days gone by, I find myself just wanting to talk to you all the time, tell you all about me,,, it's kinda scary cause that's not me, I haven't clicked with someone like this since....well .....you, and it's not the same kinda click we had back then; Us being kids and feeling from the moment I stared into your eyes that I needed you, not like you need an umbrella if it's raining or a partner for a old fashioned sack race, but like..... we need the blood that races through us just so our hearts can beat, like you NEED that great gasp of air when you break the surface of the water after thinking you wouldn't make it... so many words I can't even begin to attempt. I guess the closest I could come was back then, being with you, joking with you , loving you just made me feel complete. This isn't to sound sappy or like I'm trying to lay a line on you, but I really have missed you. and it took my hearing your voice to realize how much. Even though it was a short time in the scheme of things that we were together I really hope you understand that you've been a part of my life since then and will be until the day I die, come what may whether we are just friends, acquaintances or where life will lead us. I really did think I could protect you and **daughtersname**, make you happy, build a life together, save you from the baddies. I want you to know that if I had known then that it would just have taken proving to you that I had a plan and that you two would never have to do without, I would have done anything. Looking back on it through the eyes and experiences of an adult, all I can think is how naive I must have been to think that Love is all that really matters, it's a nice ideal but reality can be much harsher . I never had to lose you two to realize what I'd had, I knew what I had, and what I lost. The good news is that I don't think I really had any idea at the time of what a relationship, a partnership really consisted of, I was too lost in thinking that I could save you, be you knight in shining armor. I'd much rather have it this way, looking back on it, all the goods and one or two bads, then if we had forced ourselves back then to try to make it work out, ended up hating each other and never gotten this chance to be friends again. The click I'm feeling now is ...hmm how to describe it....like, as stupid as this sounds, almost no time has passed. I'm not saying romantically, but like friends that haven't seen each other in a while and they just start back their conversation from where they left off. I feel like when I'm talking to you I'm just filling in the blanks, not trying to tell someone new who I am, but more like just telling someone who knows me what I've been up too. It's so surreal, I'm nervous, anxious, scared, excited. curious, worried, hopeful and all the other seven million little dwarfs including dopey). I've spent so long building up my persona of indifference, my wall of self-preservation that talking to you, someone who knows the core of me, what I was and still am for the most part, it feels , just natural. Ok enough of this feelings crap, letting you see the man behind the curtain a little too much, next thing you'll want to know how to get home to Kansas. Bad joke I know, but I have to keep you relaxed, even if it's just to say " Boy, you're Stupid" , as long as I made you laugh a bit I'm doing my job. Courtney being 15 just blows me away, until we talked she was forever trapped in time in my mind. That little 3 year old girl who's daddy I wanted so desperately to be. You know better then me what a smart little cookie she always was, the questions that little girl could come up with, and you better have a answer that made sense to her or you would get no peace, I really regret not seeing her grow up. Heh talking to her on the phone when I called you earlier was probably the most nervous I've been in a long time, like a long tailed cat in a room of rocking chairs. She sounded so smart, then with the whole 15 year old thing, and you know we old people just can't understand what they are going through; I was so afraid I'd say something stupid, I probably did. Sometimes I think I keep these size 13s stuck to the heel in my mouth. I just thought about something, didn't we have to break into the apartment one time or was it something we did all the time through the bedroom window, like we lost the key or something, I don't know exactly it was a wandering thought that jumped d in there. BTW I can tend to be a bit of an insomniac, I don't know if I mentioned that, I don't so much fall asleep as pass out ) And on that note I think I'll be going to sleep now its about 414am CST so you should be getting up for work soon. Hopefully you slept well and your toddys let you drift off quickly, nice and relaxed. I'll be working one of my side jobs at noon CST ( the bank) before I go to work at 4pm on the street so I need to be up in about 5 or 6 hrs, maybe try and hit the gym for a run well see how that goes. Have a great day at work darlin, I really am loving getting to know you (again).

I don't wax poetic, I wax pathetic. )

signed **boy**


P.S. I don't know why but I'm driven by this overwhelming urge that I want to kiss you, and that makes me nervous. Would you like the way I kiss now? Do I even remember how you like to be kissed, is it different now? Would you look me in the eyes just before our lips touch as I gently tilt your chin with my fingers? Would I be the one trapped in your eyes? Would just hugging you to my chest tightly and kissing your forehead send sparks through me?
Sorry I went off track there I get a little loopy when I'm tired. I'm glad you found me. The timing of this, the coincidences, how comfortable I am talking to you, this attraction I'm feeling for you again makes me want to throw caution to the wind. Do people get a second chance in life? I don't know. Is this a second chance? HEH Ok that I really don't know. I do know I want to see you , in person, again....soon.

My Response:

you make my head dizzy! ..and just when i think the storm is settling the waves rock my boat again! I liked the mail I got this morn! ... ...so sincere.. open ...vulnerable ..way to put yourself out there! LOL! Genuine as always;)

When I think of us (before) i remember being such a kid ...and just so scared of the unknown ..scared you were leaving and scared to let myself go with you... scared of the unknown, where you would take me ...and as pathetic as my life was ...i knew what to expect ...I didn't know where u were going. ...and now (today) here I am ..an adult ..and scared again.

How ((WHY!!)) did we ever find each other again... Should we meet? Should we not?? Should we just get "re-aquainted" here? So many thoughts go thru my head. I play out different scenarios ..just like I did 8 years ago ..how would it be when we finally met again? I hadn't toyed with this idea in so long... ...and now, having had the experiences I have... what do I do with the situation in front of me? What do we do? Do you think we are clicking now? Or caught up in "all the clicks" we felt before? I haven't felt this excited in forever... thought I was way to old for this *wink* ...and after you live a little and experience SO MUCH ..it's hard to get excited over to much these days! You know?

I feel like moving to fast could be a mistake. ... and we could sabotage ourselves ..again. I'm hesitant to meet and at the same time ..it's all I want. This is huge ...for me ...I think you feel some of the same things that I do ..it's scary. Overwhelming. And we've "known each other" less than a week.

...At one time, I knew if I could just find you and you could see who I turned out to be ...you would fall in love with me all over again ..and we would pick up where we left off and it would be just like before ..only a trillion times better ..because I was better ..because I was capable of giving and caring ..and not always taking ..I wanted you to see that I cook and clean and take care of **daughter** and make real money working a real job. I wanted to go to church together and pray together and show you the contentment that I found there. ..I wanted you to be able to show me to your friends and family and be proud of me ..not like before. ...and now ...now that I've found you ..now I'm grown up and know that it just doesn't work that way. But the things that I feel today suggest otherwise. ..this whole situation defies everything that I know.

Monday, August 28, 2006

HEY BATTER BATTER!

Life can throw some awesome curve balls -PITCHER'S DEFINITELY GOT A BIG BUTT IN THIS CASE!! I don't even know where to start ..or what to say... I'm afraid ramble is the best you'll get here.

When I was 19 ...I wasn't the awesome person I am today ((I KNOW! IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE!!)) I was pretty well lost, broken... and ...hopeless. I was a single mom trying to support a child on my own... and was working in ...lets say not the most "reputable place".

Then came **boy** ...beautiful boy. Anything and everything a girl could ever want **boy** It was a whirlwind relationship. Instant attraction, instant friends ..he made everything "OKAY" -A-OK *wink* I just can't find the words to say how I felt about him... I'm not sure there are enough words and they could never be powerful or descriptive enough to express how my heart felt. There was no way on earth I deserved someone like him at the time, but he loved me regardless -unconditionally. ...But I was a kid and he was a "military man" ....he was leaving and I was scared. Scared to love him and scared to leave with him. I didn't know where he was going... My life here was pretty pathetic ..but I knew what to expect. ~In the end ...I turned out to be pretty rotton to him (again -there are no words to fully describe just how terrible and hurtful I was to him) ...things ended kind of abruptly. He came to see me once before he left for home. I was 19 and newly diagnosed with breast cancer. We said our goodbyes and never spoke again.

I searched for him, extensively, at various times ...spent to much money for a girl with my income -enlisting help from different agencies! ..but to no avail. He was gone ..and I was sad.

Here we are, 10 years later and by shear luck -last week I finally located this stealthy stud;)

Friday, August 25, 2006

THIRSTY THURSDAY...

Definitely had a good time hanging with my girls last night! Sipping (slurping!) margaritas and catching up... Mean muggin Marcus (You know I love you Son -Just get a goal and take control of your life!!) Coco's EXPENSIVE! You better have a PLAN!

C0Co (my 15 y.o.) now has a 17 y.o "suiter" **looks very concerned** I know she has to grow up and that's ok with me... It's the hurt and disappointment we experience as adults that I want to keep her from. She's so beautiful ...with a rockstar personality to boot;) Definitely has everything going for her. Excellent grades and ambition too. But I worry love will blind-side her. She's too much like her momma **shakes head** and a strong will to match. Likes those bad boys toooo much!!

I wish parenting came with an instruction manual.. It's pretty scary -the one thing you definitely only get 1 shot at and it's something you have to "wing" **looks confused** ...I really try to relate and remember ...we walk a fine line with each other, that's for sure. Making a conscious effort to pick and choose our battles. She's my girl and my best good friend. The only thing that keeps me going somedays. I just want so much for her to see the decisions she makes today absolutely affect the life she will have in 5 years. I try to teach her to think about her past, where she's come from and her future ...and not live so much in the here and now (like her mom). I know what she wants in life and I want to help her get them. I just know how important it is to make responsible choices (and have a plan) early on. I don't want to be the heavy that holds her back from everything she wants to do -just maybe the limo driver that takes her to the red carpet.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Time...

Does your past ever haunt you? Is there that one thing that eats your insides year after year and hurts your heart to think about. The one thing you want to go back and change.. and pray to God there is opportunity for a 'do-over' like when we were kids? I have a whole time span- A whole diffent person exists in me ..that I don't even know anymore. -I can't elaborate today... but am thankful I may have a chance to correct at least a portion of my life and finally make apologies that are ...long overdue.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

BE NOT FILLED BY THE FRUIT OF THE VINE....

So ...I definitely think the Lord is trying to tell me something. I have heard the following verse THREE times this week in different circles:

"Be not filled by the fruit of the vine, but be filled by the Holy Spirit"

The 3rd time I heard it I was minding my own business, in my own pew, thinking of my own achey belly and wishing the preacher would "wrap it up" so I could be FILLED WITH A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH AT ARBYS!!

I nearly fell off my seat! My head flipped around like the exorcist ....I wanted to shake my fists in the air and yell! "ALL RIGHT ALREADY I HEAR YOU!!!!!"

To make matters worse, much worse... His next sentence was "have you ever been drunk OR have you ever SEEN a drunk" ...that's when my loving 15 y.o. daughter looks over at me and says "hmmp" in a snooty teenage "im better than you are" sort of way. ...which ...would not been near as bad on the back row ...but i'm pretty sure every holy roller in the place saw us on the 2ND ROW!!! I wanted to melt...

Am I really that bad?? I don't feel like I'm too out of control! I just like to have a little toddy every now and again and again and again and again (sorry lost my train of thought.) I mean ..I don't forget her at school for days on end ...I don't hide my MOUNT GAY RUM in the light fixtures or pass out during important events ...actually ..Im pretty sure my family would rather I pass out ...I'm pretty sure "the passing out thing" is self-defense ...preservation of ones own reputation ...but for whatever reason ...my body forgets to shut down **looks embarrassed** I mean ..I'm among family and friends at the lake ...so whats a little dancing on the picnic table hurt anyway?

What kind of drunk are you? Happy, silly, sad? -Tell me your most embarrasing story!!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

While SS is away on "business" in the cheese state, I figure I should come up with something to post so this is what I came up with...

TEN THINGS THAT HAVE CHANGED IN THE LAST 6 MONTHS

1. I am a single mother of 2

2. I live with my best good friend in the whole world

3. She takes care of the laundry...and my 3 y/o when I am about to kill her

4. My son is now a....SOPHMORE

5. I'm driving a sporty Maxima...not the SUV of death

6. The health of both of my grandparents is fading fast...they now require contant care

7. This breaks my heart and makes me want to slow down more to take care of them

8. I sold my house, my home of 8 freakin' years

9. I still have nowhere to live and have 30 days to figure it out

10.I know that I will not be alone (see # 2) and this makes me happier than she knows